Life with Grandpa: Ranting


No one in this world rants as ridiculously as my grandfather does.  Pick a topic, anything, and the man could get started.  More likely than not, his rants included strange throwback insults and a few curse words for color.  Nothing sets him off like the Yankees, whether they were winning or losing it didn't really matter.  Anything that they didn't do perfectly was met with a "Poo, you bastard!"

The following are some of my Grandpa's classic rants directed at weathermen, commercials, TV shows he doesn't understand, and me.

"Ohh, I hate him.  I want to sneak into his room and cut his hair while he's sleeping."
- On his hatred of Conan O'Brien

"I see so many in the papers and everything.  Who's married two years, who's married a year.  And their divorced.  I mean why you get married if you're not gonna stay together?  Look at me and Grandma.  Fifty one years we stayed together!  See, years ago when you were a Catholic there was no such thing as divorce.  Today it's like, 'Oh, just sign a paper, you're all done.'"

"And if you got rid of that nose, I could see the map you lollipop."
- Trying to see the day's forecast

"Everything, aches and pains she's got.  I told her I'd look in the pennysaver and see if I could trade her in.  She's too much!  Every time I turn around she's got something wrong with her!"

"You got divorced? You wanna go from one frying pan into another? You dummy!"
- On Match.com commercial

"It's unreal.  You get so involved with them and all of a sudden they come up with a commercial and you forget what the guy said!"
- Complaining that Blue Bloods has too many commercials.

"People that are dead they walk they came alive and walk dead and they eat people up!  They eat people.  This is crazy.  Who would watch that?  They made a big--they made a movie out of it too. They're out of their mind.  I wouldn't give you two cents to go see it.  Walking Dead. You're dead, you're dead!!
- On why he hates The Walking Dead

Grandpa: "Why you go to see him? You got a shoemaker doctor!!"
Me: "Why do you say shoemaker?"
Grandpa: "My uncle used to tell me, he's a shoemaker, he doesn't know what he's doing.  He should be shoeing horses!"

"He doesn't curse at them, that's why they play so bad."
- On Joe Girardi's coaching

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