Life With Grandpa


For almost three years, my grandfather was my roomie.  And it was glorious.  Every day was truly full of laughs.  Most nights, Grandpa would flip between a sporting event or some Big Bang Theory or Blue Bloods rerun while I worked on the day's crossword (I miss you Newsday!!) or some of the freelance resume work I had leftover.  In nicer weather, we would sit out on the front steps and Grandpa would talk about the neighborhood or any other random thought that came into his head.  It was always the perfect ending to any day.

Feeling a little lonesome for my favorite housemate after briefly seeing him this weekend, I tracked down a few of the amazing things my Grandpa has said during my time spent with him and made a list.  Because I think he's funny and they still make me laugh.

"It's a good ladder.  What do you want for $5?  I bought it off a crackhead."
- While holding a wobbly ladder on the stoop that I was climbing to change a lightbulb

Me: "Were you sad when Dad decided to move away?"
Grandpa: "No, not really.  I just teased him that he was gonna become a farmer.  And he did!"

"I wonder if JT will fart at his wedding. He'll go to shake someone's hand and PFFFFT!!"
- Discussing JT's nonchalance with passing gas

Me: "Grandpa, you know you can pick whatever Western you want to watch on this channel?"
Grandpa: "Yeah.  But no."
- After Grandpa complained there was nothing on he wanted to watch and I showed him the Encore Western On Demand Channel

Grandpa: "You like that show [Gilligan's Island]?"
Me: "Yeah!"
Grandpa: "They're all dead."

Me: "Make sure she's not wearing a ring first."
Grandpa: "She wasn't, I looked.  Don't worry."
- On Grandpa chatting up a nice lady at the doctor's office and debating asking her for coffee if he saw her again

"His big nose sniffs out the snow, if he tells me...oh wait, it's the old man. Let's see what his bones say."
- Discussing the local weathermen's talents

Grandpa: "I didn't know babe, I didn't know."
Me: "Know what?"
Grandpa: "That all of this was here.  I would've been coming a long time ago."
- While at the beach and informing Grandpa that women could be topless there.

"Daddy used to blow dry his hair like crazy.  He'd be in there for forty minutes.  That's why he's bald."

"He's gotta job, doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink.  Unless you give him enough aggravation that he turns to drinking."
- On my relationship

Me: "I'll shop at night.  I have a spot I like to park in and I hate when someone takes it."
Grandpa: "What are you, Sheldon with his spot?"

"This isn't Big Bang Theory!"
- After waking up to the Spanish Channel

"I don't know how Jess stays with Jonathan.  He's got so much gas and she just stays there!"

Me: "Carpenter's Tool, six letters."
Grandpa: [waves his hand at me and points at my phone] "Check your cheating machine."
- Working on the daily crossword puzzle

Grandpa: "How was your day?"
Me: "Long, you didn't have to wait up for me."
Grandpa: "Yes, I did.  I wanted to brag about my day at the pool."
- After walking in from a long day working on the bus at 1 AM

Grandpa: [hall night light flickers] "It's the spirits, babe."
Me: "Knock it off."
Grandpa: "You're not sleeping tonight."

"Oh! They come out of the place they were eating and they came out.  And she said, you know the one that does all that with the jewelries and everything else?  And she was saying, 'But you're a good girl, I like you.' 'Thank you for liking me but I don't like you.' That's what she said!  [slams hands on his arm rest] Right then and there she turned around she says, 'Well I'm having a birthday dinner.' 'Don't invite me.' She says, 'I'm not gonna invite you!'  Oh boy, you gotta see, I'm surprised they didn't throw no blows, believe me [shakes fist].  She is a witch!  She tells Mike, 'I'm gonna say what I have to say don't interrupt me and don't punch me, don't do nothing, I'm gonna say what I have to say.'  Ohh, I was--I was, unreal.  I'm glad they're gonna get rid of him 'cause he's no good."
- On the episode of Shahs of Sunset I missed

"Go scratch."
- In response to anything I've ever said.

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